Astrology with Squidward!
by TomSurfing
Summary: It's raw, it's harsh, it's true, it's Astrology with Squidward! Professional Astrologer Squidward Tentacles insults everyone else in Bikini Bottom as he gives them horrible horoscopes. Listen to this mystic, grumpy octopus seer rant about the hopeless future of all sea creatures! Rated for very crude humor.


Astrology with Squidward

It's Raw. It's Harsh. It's True. It's Astrology with Squidward!

Squidward addresses his fellow astrological sea creature fanatics:

Hello everyone and all Bikini Bottomites with dirty bikini bottoms, it's me, the one and only Squidward Quincy Tentacles, your octopus astrologer. I'm as predictable as the weather man and as wise as the Three Wise Guys. Consult me and my tentacles for guidance about your future. I'm here to see your future through the Zodiac, and though I'm not the Zodiac Killer, I will kill all your hopes and dreams for better lives. So let's get started!

1 Well, let's start off with Cancer. First of all, I hate crabby crabs, including my swine of a boss, Mr. Krabs. I'll have to start a short digression about Eugene for a moment. Mr. Krabs has crabs, does not have a soul, only lives for money that will rot away like his personal relationships with others have, and has a whale for a step daughter. Oh, and his wife left him. Yeah, ouch. So hopefully all crabs with cancer will just be put out of their misery. So for all Cancer crabs out there, well, your future isn't very bright, what with the cancer and all. Astrologer Squidward has spoken! Give me a token!

2 Next, we'll continue with Taurus the Bull. Well, there are many Alaskan Bull Worms under the sea but I'm thinking about one sea creature who is the size of a bull and who has a very tiny Alaskan Bull Worm of his own that he can never find. That's right, Patrick piggy Star. I have to deal with this ogre for a minute. Patrick is morbidly obese, officially retarded, and hopelessly untalented. One can only wish he were slaughtered in a bull fight by hot Spaniard matadors. Yes, Spaniards are hot. So for all Taurus Bulls out there, you're full of bull crap, and your future will be crappy as you are slowly mauled in a Spanish dance of death. Basically, your remaining life will be torture. Astrologer Squidward has spoken! Give me a token!

3 Now we'll deal with Virgo and all those virgins out there. Let's use the best example of a virgin in Bikini Bottom. That's right, the previously mentioned whale of a girl, Pearl Krabs, the step daughter of Mr. Krabs. What needs to be said about her? She'll remain a virgin for the rest of her natural life because she looks like a whale. Her back is humped, she has blubber all over, she weighs several tons, and she will one day be killed by Captain Ahab for being the heartless monster she is. Like all Virgos, Pearl will live a future full of regrets and missed opportunities, especially dealing with the love she will never have. So for all Virgo virgins out there, you'll never get any, not even from yourself. Astrologer Squidward has spoken! Give me a token!

4 It's time to discuss Pisces, all the fish of Bikini Bottom. Well, I hate all of you. Fish are only good when fried and chopped into sticks for sea men to consume. Actually, sea men aren't too bad tasting either. Anyway, fish smell like rotten pussy cats, are killed by Plankton and made into chum, unknowingly eat krabby patties secretly full of crab meat, and are as mindless as a swarm of flies in horse manure. So the future of all fish will involve them being unwittingly caught by fishermen, ritualistically murdered, and sold at cheap markets on dry land since they have no value whatsoever. So for all Pisces fish out there, do not bother waking up tomorrow because you'll probably stupidly get caught on a hook like the hooker you are. Astrologer Squidward has spoken! Give me a token!

5 We have reached Aquarius, the water bearer, full of water like a sucker and a sponge. What are my feelings about SpongeBob LoserPants? Well, he loves sucking up water and sucking up plenty of other liquids from others since he's a sea sponge. He likes making my life miserable because he's a kitchen sponge who sings while he spring cleans and he is a worthless kitchen tool at that. His little spongy holes remind everyone what an a-hole he is, his rosy cheeks show us how gay and girly he is, his short stature remind him of his own pathetic fry cook job, his buck teeth remind us all of the Texan hick squirrel Sandy Cheeks whose furry cheeks he has pathetic love sessions with, he is a total square, he has the mind of an autistic child, and he's a freaking sponge. A sponge who's only good at getting soaked and drying out because water, like the floods of life, are too much for him to handle. So let's hope that one day SpongeBob and all other Aquarius sponge brains will die from drying out like the used sponges and the douches they are. So for all Aquarius sponges out there, you are destined in the future to be used by others until you are dead on the inside and the outside, just like a rotten sponge cake. Astrologer Squidward has spoken! Give me a token!

6 I hope you're now ready to discuss Capricorns, the goats of the sea. Let's think about who looks like a goat and lives under the sea? Exactly, no one, but there is a furry squirrel in a Tree Dome living underwater like a helpless astronaut in quarantine who cannot survive in the harsh environment of outer space. Though Sandy Cheeks is very smart and is actually a smart ass, she comes from Texas, where the steers and queers roam. She's a furry rat with fleas and rabies, and she likes eating salty nuts that Texan cowboy hicks force feed her. Her buck teeth and bushy tail are as ugly and bushy as whatever's under her bikini bottom, and because she comes from Texas, she will always act like a reckless rodeo cowgirl, riding bulls and cowboys like the used garden hoe she is. So for this want-to-be fish who looks like a goat in a space suit, her future is full of isolation inside her Tree Dome Home since the Sea and outside world are too much for this walking carpet and door mat to handle. With that in mind, all Capricorn sea goats out there should just go underwater and drown or stay indoors forever like goats trapped in a petting zoo since your future is full of people rightfully insulting you as the mutants you are. Astrologer Squidward has spoken! Give me a token!

7 We have reached the low point of astrology, Scorpio the scorpion. This little gnat with the temper of an ill-bred Chihuahua reminds everyone of none other than Sheldon Plankton. The short insect loves pricking people like the prick he is because his life is full of insecurities and failures. He makes love to a robot, which is illegal under and above the sea, he runs the chum bucket because he's a chump, he tries to steal the krabby patty formula because he can't come up with any good ideas on his own, everything about his body is small, and he is partially blind because he only has one eye. This poor little bastard is exemplary of all the worthless Scorpio scorpions out there, who can only sting the feet of others before being crushed to death because they do not deserve to exist. So for the horsefly Plankton who loves landing on horse butts only to be whipped off when the horse spanks itself with its long tail, and for all other pathetic Scorpio scorpions out there, if you want a picture of the future, just imagine a giant boot stomping on your insect face forever since everyone does not even care if you live or die even if they accidentally kill you. Astrologer Squidward has spoken! Give me a token!

8 The time has come to talk about Sagittarius the Archer Centaur, who has the body of a man and the ass of a jackass. This mutant reminds me of SpongeBob's mutt pet Gary the snail. Gary has the disgusting body of a slug and a huge shell on his back like the motor home of a hobo. Gary is as aimless as a blind archer and he only lives to eat furniture, crap and piss everywhere, drink out of dirty toilets, bark at his own shadow, purr like a pussy cat while licking and rubbing himself, hide in his shell whenever someone eats salty food around him, and sleep most of his life on the old and smelly newspapers on the floor like the bum he is. He's basically a turtle mixed with a slug, making him mentally and physically slow. His master is the village idiot, which makes him the pet circus freak himself. So his future will eventually lead him to run away from home, get caught by pest control, and be put to sleep like the bad dog he is. So for all other Sagittarius archers out there, stop aiming so high in life since you're destined to crawl on the ground like the snails you are and only expect to die with assisted euthanasia since you were never really alive to begin with like a snail forever hiding and suffocating in its own shell. Who sells snail seashells by the sea shore? You will forever since that's all you can accomplish in life. Astrologer Squidward has spoken! Give me a token!

9 Today we must address all Libras the Scales. No not fish scales, weight scales, like the ones that break when pig cops step on them since they are, well, pigs. Do you smell bacon, is someone burning something, does it smell like the bakery, did someone just come from the donut shop? That's right folks, Libra the Scales represent the Scales of Justice, also known as the Bikini Bottom police. When the fishy cops aren't letting crime thrive, stuffing their gills with custard donuts, accidentally shooting themselves, dropping the soap while patrolling prison showers, giving tickets to bad drivers to make a dishonest living, and turning on their butt sirens to get attention or to run red lights for the hell of it, these public servants are serving themselves since they only care about their own reflections from their big shiny badges. Fish cops want you to respect their authority, even though their guns are the biggest things in their pants. Their futures are full of reckless speed chases, deadly shootouts, expanding bulging fish guts, and police brutality and corruption. So for all other incompetent Libra Scales out there, your future will involve becoming the boy scouts and mindless robot soldiers you really are inside so you can protect and serve your own big pig butts. Astrologer Squidward has spoken! Give me a token!

10 We're out at sea and we think we see beautiful mermaids ahead, but instead we have just found Leos the sea lions. We're disappointed like horny sailors lost at sea, but nothing could be bigger turn-offs than the blubber, barking, and moaning of sea lions doing whatever sea lions do. These tubby wet dogs with slippery flippers are known for getting eaten alive by sharks since they are not the kings of the wild jungle of the sea. Their future is full of relentless shark attacks and they certainly do need bigger boats to support their weights and to escape from the Jaws of death. Unlike dolphins, these mammals are not smart, beautiful, or interesting and they remind us all of the evolutionary mistakes of mother nature, whose dark sense of humor has created dogs who paddle swim their entire lives like drowning puppies. So for all Leo lions out there, only violent deaths or heart attacks from excessive bodily blubber are certain in your future since you are nothing like the majestic lions on the plains of Africa where you would die of many diseases anyway. Astrologer Squidward has spoken! Give me a token!

11 Aries the Rams…Let's see…Rams suck and they should go ram each other in dirty hotels in St. Louis since the Rams football team also sucks…There are no rams underwater…Your future is full of ram fights and getting rammed from behind like fatal car accidents…So for all the Aries Rams out there, you suck and so will your future. Astrologer Squidward has spoken! Give me a token!

12 Everyone knows that all octopi look alike and that's not a bad thing since we are all Gemini Twins! Only the futures of octopi and squids are guaranteed successes since we are artistic geniuses, cultural cornerstones, and the hottest creatures under the sea. Our big fat floppy sausage noses, thick and long tentacles, and sticky ink remind everyone to respect our eternal glory. So for all my brother Gemini squids and octopi out there doing what you do best, the future is yours for the taking and making! Astrologer Squidward has spoken! Give me a token!

The End


End file.
